What the f... ?

​What seems like a lifetime ago, I attended a little seminar with some badass Bs about taking control of my social marketing. Like most other things in my life, I shoved that in a file for later...

Enter: Later.

Today, as I reach the bottom of a [literal] 8” stack of items shoved in a file, I am face to face with this little outline. Actually, that’s a lie. I was face to face with it last night. I closed the file and went to bed.

Having procrastinated all I could today, I open the file, determined to no longer be haunted by it's holdings.

In my brief moment of motivation following this seminar, I had mapped out a theme for all of my social posts. Fridays? Fridays are for the Fs. My favorite things start with F. Food. Furbabies. Fitness. “You know" hehehe.

But, as today is Friday, the 13th in 2020, FEAR seems like a fitting topic.

2020 has given me wayyyy too much time to evaluate every gawd forsaken inch of my life. Relationships (romantic and not), parenting, career, every decision ever made... I’ve lost some people and gained some people. I’ve learned a crap ton about myself and also am just as lost as ever.

Soooooo....what does fear have to do with any of this? I have lived in constant fear all year of whether or not my business will survive. I entered uncharted territory when I ended an almost 6 year relationship and was alone for the first time in my life. I walked away from organizations I have poured my soul into that were draining me, unsure the ripple effect it could have. Unsure how I would be judged for walking away. I have lived in fear of getting sick, being unable to work/pay bills, and more so of making others sick. After a while, that fear WIPES. YOU. OUT. You just sort of crash. The passion, joy, and drive fizzle. I have admittedly been in a lull for a while, unsure what I’m supposed to be doing.

You see, I’m a girl with a plan. It may sometimes be a last minute plan, but I always know what I’m going to do next. When I find myself plan-less, it’s like a record on skip.... It’s pathetic really. The reality is, I’ve been on skip for most of 2020.

Fear of the unknown can halt us in our tracks. Fear to take the next step. Fear of what the future might bring. Fear of failure. Fear of heartbreak. Fear of investment with no return. {....like the life sucking pattern of remapping every three weeks because COVID is currently impacting every aspect of your life....}  Fear often brings his friend hopelessness and then here we are. Record on skip.

Then hits ‘Rona. Here I sit in quarantine, avoiding my family & friends, faced with all the things I was afraid to deal with the last several months. If I don’t address the numbers, or the finances, or the facts, they can’t hurt me. Right?? (This is false, for the record.) I now have copious amounts of time and zero excuses to fully address these things. Yay.

Well, the good news is, I have many personalities! As it turns out, Me With A Plan, has silently been at it in the background. My subconscious plan had become: Go with the flow til something reveals itself. Stop fighting the universe. Months ago, I took another side job to pay the bills at home. (A theme in the life of many a small business owner.) I kept my heart open and did some things I needed to do in my personal life. I trudged away at the gym, doing my best to simplify operations and keep things clean and safe.

I made sure to pay what needed paid. Got rid of the extras. Got. Off. Amazon. Enjoyed the new found free time and chance to reconnect with myself. And as I evaluate the numbers, all that simplifying helped me pay off some debt. It helped me remove some toxic people. It helped me come to terms with some of my own toxicity. (Ouch.)

The whole time I’d been convinced I was trapped in a fearful stall, I was actually letting the current carry me safely forward.

To be honest, I don’t know if my business will survive or ever truly thrive again. I don’t even know if I care. I don’t know if my heart will ever fully heal and let me give in to the happiness I dream about. I don’t know if I’ll ever get my sense of smell back...

But what I do know is that I can’t live in fear. I can’t let all of this consume me and overrun my faith.

I’ve only ever been this uncertain of the future once before in my life. I realize, however as I did back then, that I’m ready for the next chapter. I realize that it’s ok to be scared (downright terrified in fact), because everything that has ever been worth it has been scary. I realize my only actual plans are “one day at a time” and “don’t die”. But I also realize that whatever comes next, will be meant for me and I just have to breathe through the fear of unknowing. How? Faith over fear. I have faith in all that has already been. Faith in my ability to control my future by controlling the paths that I choose. Faith in a universe that has blessed me with many amazing people, adventures, and memories.

So fuck fear. I mean, a little bit keeps us smart and savvy, but it has no rule here. Time to take a deep breath (well...deepish... damn ‘rona) and trudge headstrong and blindly into the unknown! One slow, faithful step at a time.

We can do this, loves. Just keep breathing. Faith over fear. <3

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